Looking for sublimity
    but can’t get this grime

off my heart

in tarred lard state
from finger     tips
                 to        d  
    onto              paper

In exception to the few, but many short term “relationships” that I have had, there were always girls in my life that never made it to that status; they were always close, but never there.

For quite awhile, I’ve lived teased by my own idea of finding the one. But literally, how many “one”s have I chased in this lifetime? Definitely way too many—way too many could-have-beens, way too many broken promises, and way too many let downs.

Rather, throughout the time of all these short-term instances and bursts of reignited romantic interests, I was in a rather dark time, and chasing after the all wrong things at all the wrong times and often found myself doing hurtful and disrespectful things in my desperation for love. That’s not to say at one point or another what I felt wasn’t real. It always was.

These feelings were always bittersweet though. In a majority of these situations, I knew there was a connection, but there was always something driving us away from each other, or something about me driving them away. I was always inches from finding that moment to knowing what it felt to be whole and whenever things didn’t go well, I always felt even more empty than I did to begin with.

And all I did was wait… 

Wait to hear a voice again, wait to see a face again, wait to hold a body again. Often times, I only got to do one of those. And when things went wrong, wait for another girl again.

I never knew what it was to love, but I was always so close. It made me smile to know that I helped make someone else genuinely happy as well. More or less, I like to think I can die happy knowing that I have even saved lives. But even at times, saving a life is never enough for true love and that was a truth I had to learn. 

But perhaps the real truth was that I shouldn’t expect love and unrequited affection is just fine. It was okay to give a little bit, or even all, of myself out and receive little to nothing back. As long as I gave. That’s what was important.

With this idea, I managed to find myself out of the heaps of sleepless nights and heart-dropped slumps wishing I had someone. There was no more depression, no more wishing to call someone to sleep, no more haunting fantasies of what could have been. I found myself letting go of thoughts that kept me tied but anchored. I was able to move on.

Despite that, I want to thank you, if you know who you are or even read this, for all that you’ve done for me. I don’t regret any of the smiles, any of the laughs, and any of the deep heart-to-hearts I’ve shared with you in our precarious teenage years. You were always a great friend and I hope you did think of me as one too. Thank you for helping me grow to be the man I needed to be, and I hope I did to help you become the woman you wanted to be.

I am now in an amazing long term relationship with an amazing woman who gives me all the love I’ve always wanted, and sometimes more than I would like at once, but it’s one of the main reasons why I love her. Without you all, I would never be where I am now…

…Happy. :]

8 bit
that’s the shit
that makes my 
spine quiver
to you niggas

X-men action figures
don’t figure but
I know 
B-men make figures
exploit me
'cause I wanted their
and I still be wanting
their figures
Got 3 and they got 6
fuckers’ luck with the 7

Still a little fuck
forbidden to climb a ladder
even though I already
learned to control my bladder

Forgot how to feel good
Cranium is simmering,
thanks for selling me
back my memories

Transformers and
Ninja turtles
Toss me into
monetary hurtles

Had the
Ash Ketchum wallet
open up
to try and Ketchum in my wallet

I Marveled the hero
whenever DC me
'cause they taught me
that men without 
born talent
always own a mansion
and got the passion
and money to
help them stop the lashin’

Power Rangers
put my momma’s
credit in danger
and put me in
the frame of mind
that it’s 
grown up Morphing Time

Give kids toys
to own some property
and abuse it improperly
on the ones in poverty.

Thanks for the day,
Michael Bay.

But yo, I got one last thing:
fuck yo fake joy
I hate these
motherfucking movie-based toys.

People will admire, but they will not help.

                                           Don’t come then.

Keep your insecurities at home


Girl got me mad
that shit is bubonic
but tender lips and saliva
Man, that shit is my tonic
We got our legs over another
like Criss-Cross Apple Sauce
Held hands turn, verbal dukes
this fluke, she gave my heart a verbal pause
Love high,
Placid, I passed it
Gut dirt, throat hurt
chucking up stomach acid
Burnt up,
I give you all my residue
and when you came back,
I saw my life with you